A Hunger to Know God More
by TIFFINI KILGORE
“He touched my mouth … and said, ‘Look. … Gone your guilt, Your sins wiped out.’ And then I heard the voice of the Master: ‘Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?’ I spoke up, ‘I’ll go. Send me!’” Isaiah 6:7b, 8 (MSG)
I’ve spent all my life hungry.
But now there’s a different hunger to take in the Word of God.
This is how I remember it beginning …
I notice it when a new youth pastor preaches from the old book, and then more as I go through a Bible study and find these words coming alive, breadcrumbs leading someplace bright.
I find I want more. I find spending time with His words leads me to God Himself. The words are more than words, though. Slowly, His words bleed into my heart, then out from my heart, into my everyday, ordinary life.
I begin — not even consciously — hungering for things I never did before. Without trying.
Instead of waking up to get the kids and me ready, do housework or start dinner, I want to learn what God is like. Who He is. I want to talk to Him, and I want Him to talk to me. So I make time for that by getting up before everyone else.
New life intersects for me in this small rural town, where God’s words find me, and I awake to them. It’s like coming out of anesthesia, rising after a long sleep.
It doesn’t take long to sense my taste buds changing. I don’t want the comforts I wanted before; now I crave those words that fill me in a way I’d not known was possible.
My thought patterns begin to change as well. I rearrange my life to position my cold heart next to God’s campfire. I suddenly see habits I knew God was gently calling me away from. Slowly, He begins melting my heart, changing me from the inside out. It isn’t anything drastic all at one time. Rather, it’s slow interior work, invisible work.
We all want outward, immediate change. But this is gradual work on the inside, sacred work. I can feel it taking root, and soon others start to see it, too.
The pastor asks me to help teach a single women’s Sunday School class. I begin to harbor a love of studying the Bible and sparking this love in others.
I love seeing women’s eyes light up when God shows them something they hadn’t seen before. I love letting them know how much He loves them. They’re all kinds of single women. Divorced, mostly. Some have little children, some have grown children, and one is a war veteran who lives her life in a wheelchair. All of us are hungry for holy words.
When I read, eat and act on words from the Bible, they go down deep into my insides, penetrating my surface superficiality, my negative narratives, all the way down to the deepest dark, secret places.
Reading the Bible, the words burn deep inside me. They alleviate the ache. When I read the Bible and talk to God, I don’t want to play it safe. Something in me wants to come out and do something brave, and it scares me.
Sitting in my usual row at church, I feel like I’m pulling up a chair to the best meal I’ve ever had. Pastor Jedidiah, our youth pastor, opens Isaiah 6 and simply reads word for word:
“He touched my mouth … and said, ‘Look. … Gone your guilt, Your sins wiped out.’ And then I heard the voice of the Master: ‘Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?’ I spoke up, ‘I’ll go. Send me!’” (verse 7b, 8)
The words begin connecting dots in my heart. Papa God is writing my story! But it’s bigger than me. I see it is for others, too. I haven’t been on my own! He’s found me! He picks me up and carries me to His table. I don’t have to do anything but let Him. He is more than a spectator.
“Who will go for me?” Jedidiah reads, and my hand shoots up.
“Yes, send me!” I feel exposed, but for the first time, I don’t hurt.
When I leave church, I know I have heard God’s voice deep in the center of me. He fought for me there. He set a table for me there. He fed me there.
It is a safe place.
Papa God, I’m thankful there’s more to life with You than a simple sinner’s prayer or walking down an aisle. Let Your Word be my map, leading me to Your heart. Remake me into Your beautiful daughter. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Deuteronomy 8:3b, “Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.” (NIV)
Psalm 34:8, “Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.” (NIV)
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